My first post in this series for fathers of young children centered on taking responsibility for everything in the household. This included recognizing this enormous task for the impossibility it is and therefore knowing from the outset how much grace will abound to get it done. When Lazarus is dead and beginning to stink, you don’t put your hope in a doctor.

This second post is on marriage, and while it might seem tangential, it is absolutely central for fathers. It’s astonishing how many books on parenting and fatherhood leave marriage entirely out of the discussion. Being task-oriented, the first thing we fathers think regarding taking care of our kids is about what to do with them: spending time, checking homework, reading, playing sports and games, schedules and plans and so forth. Tasks, skillsets and toolboxes are good in their place, but the first thing God gives a man is a woman, and if she is unloved, the foundation is cracked.

This isn’t true simply in an emotional environmental, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” sort of way, although that may be true too! It’s true because your marriage is the thing which communicates the gospel to your children more than anything or anyone else.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. –Ephesians 5:25-27

Your marriage is like a street preacher up on his box, yammering away so everyone in the house can hear. Everyone can’t not hear. It has been pointed out that many pastors’ kids fall away from the faith because they see the hypocrisy of their dad’s devotion to the church at the cost of their love for the family. The central hypocrisy occurs in his marriage. The love between a man and woman is deep and mysterious, “too wonderful” for Solomon and Augur (Prov. 30:18-19), but we should not let mysterious translate into arcane or worthless. Why do sons of pastors not love the church? Because their dads don’t love their wives. A man should love, serve and enjoy his wife in such a way that by the grace of God his kids know and want the same sort of raucous marriage. A woman loved and flourishing is another Eve, the mother of all the living, and kids who see a thriving marriage will want one for themselves. The diversity and complementarity of man and woman should make the alternatives pale–the conformity and boredom of homosexuality, and sexlessness of fornication. These things are plastic and tired set next to lovers for life and their honorable marriage bed.

A husband has the privilege of maintaining and maturing for decades the wild love he had for his bride at his wedding. Sure it will change and excitement will look different in the tenth year, but the kids must see his glad devotion, how deep and serious and hilarious their commitment is to one another, and know it’s a picture and gift of the gospel. If this sounds like fairytale and too good to be true, that’s because it is, with the curious exception of being true. You need to tell them this. For those of failing imagination and languishing excitement, now would be a good time to order Chesterton’s Manalive.

Never is gospel paradox stronger than here. You’d think putting time into your marriage would sap your efforts to invest in your children.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. –Ephesians 5:28-30

But it doesn’t. This is loving yourself, oddly, unselfishly. It prepares and qualifies you to love your kids. My friend Dave Hatcher says the best thing you can do for your children is to love your wife. Besides ensuring the kids see and hear you enjoying and honoring your wife, what else does this mean? Much of a healthy marriage is unseen by the kids, but all of it shapes them. Here are some things I’ve found helpful in my ministry and own life in no order of importance.

1. Date Her Weekly    I don’t say “go out on dates” because I know for many the cost can be prohibitive, and fancy and expensive are not necessary. But you didn’t have any money in college and didn’t always spend money. There are cheap dates at home. Make dessert. Watch a show or movie. Play a game. Drink a glass of wine. Sit in the backyard. Read a book out loud. There really are innumerable things to do, but what makes it a date is some forethought and plan which indicates love, interest, consideration, and builds anticipation. If you aim for weekly dates you’ll probably end having 2-4 a month, which is really fun. The main point is intentional and enjoyable time alone together. Different couples will appropriate it differently, but it’s essential you continue your friendship face-to-face with your wife and not forget it as you serve the household shoulder-to-shoulder most of the time. When couples don’t do this, they find when the kids graduate they have nothing left. They are trying to pick up where they left off before they had kids, which is a huge mess. Your marriage is part of the family, but husbandry doesn’t go on sabbatical during fatherhood. You are teaching your kids about the way Christ pursues the church, and He doesn’t stop once we’re converted. You shouldn’t stop after your first married. 
2. Honor Her Sexually    Closely linked to number one above but worth it’s own point, Paul explicitly says a husband must give his wife her “rights” (1 Cor. 7:3). Of course, this is easy at times, but I’m writing to fathers of young children! Are you tired? Is the house bombed? Is she tired and bombed from caring for your kids all day? Paul wouldn’t mention it if he didn’t need to. Faithful lovemaking over time takes care and discipline, and the results are wonderful, like those kids who go to bed early when they’re young. Paul even says one of the reasons for marriage is to avoid sexual immorality (1 Cor. 7:1). The Song of Solomon shows the importance of surroundings and setting, from the appearance of a room to the way it smells. Husbands can help with this. You don’t need to deep clean for hours, just pick and straighten up, and make time. In our day of increasing crassness, sexual perversion and knock-offs, we need to be people who know the real thing, the joy of love decade after decade. A friend told me a story about his daughter who has a bunch of little kids getting asked at the store if she knows what makes this happen. She replied “Yes, and it looks like I’m getting a lot more of it than you are.” It’s a husband’s responsibility to make sure this is true.
3. Sync Your Calendars    This is admittedly far lamer than the first two. But it brings sanity to everything you do. Little kids get big enough to play sports and do activities, you’ve got school and church and friends and hospitality and it never ends. We sit down weekly for about an hour. What’s coming up, who is taking whom where, what will we do for that date, and on and on. Instead of feeling yanked around from one thing to the next, this allows us to talk, make decisions, govern our schedule, say yes to some things and no to others, get on the same page, and even be aware of what we ought to be praying for.
4. Celebrate Her    There will be more to say on celebration in regard to the kids, but obviously you have an anniversary which is a great time to get away for a night or two. Mother’s Day is one day but your wife is constantly succeeding and hitting milestones. My kids have all (well, two so far) been taught to read by my wife. She does fantastic things to our house, in and out. Her food is hot and nicely representative of her that way. She sets goals and hits them. Motherhood includes a lot of monotony, but there are major things getting accomplished during these years and husbands need to regularly acknowledge it. People assume it’s normal for teenagers to never want to eat with the family. I’ve seen this, and I’ve seen families where they love to eat with their family. My first question is whether dad really wants to be there, and makes in an enjoyable place where first his wife and then his kids feel appreciated and welcomed after a hard day’s work. To find out whether you do this, you need to ask her, “Do you feel under appreciated? How?” Celebrating your wife regularly in small ways sets a tone in your house that flies in the face of how women are treated in our culture at large.
5. Read and Pray Together    These are the guilt words that weigh people down. Who has time to read and energy to pray? I’d suggest dialing it back. You can read one paragraph of an epistle or Proverbs in a about one minute–literally–and the Lord’s Prayer takes about 30 seconds to say. These are starting places. It takes more energy to think about it, to feel guilty, than it does to do it every day. You don’t have to come up with the content, you just have to say it. Doing this consistently will lead to others things easily and naturally.