Practicing Affirmation


Practicing Affirmation: God-Centered Praise of Those Who Are Not God

By Sam Crabtree
Reviewed by Jerry Owen

He has raised up a horn for his people, Praise for all his saints, For the people of Israel who are near to him. Praise the Lord! Psalm 148:14

We like to think we are wired differently from one another, that some see the glass half-full of sparkling champagne, and others see it half empty with three-day-old Folgers coffee grounds mucking the bottom. Sam Crabtree has done us a great service by putting the practice of affirmation into the disciplines-to-be-cultivated category and not the I’m-not-naturally-inclined-that-way-so-I’m-excused-from-obedience category.

“Affirmation is the purpose of the universe—specifically, affirmation of God” (p. 11). All true affirmation finds its source in the work of God, poured out on his creation. “And the LORD made Solomon very great in the sight of all Israel and bestowed on him such royal majesty as had not been on any king before him in Israel” (1 Chron. 9:25). Solomon is not stealing praise from God, but simply receiving what God gave him. Those who recognize and proclaim this, as the biblical writers constantly do, affirm not just the person who has been blessed, but ultimately the work of God who gave the blessing in the first place.

It’s one thing to talk about affirming the majesty of an exalted king, and another to praise your little sister. The practice of affirmation is fundamental to our most basic relationships. “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up” (Rom. 15:2). “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29). Crabtree sees affirmation as a key in a relationship. Like any key to a house or car, it’s not the most important thing—think kitchen or power train—but without it you can’t get to the thing desired, you can’t reach the person. There are many more important aspects to a relationship than affirmation on the grand scale. In the parent-child relationship food, clothing, shelter, and instruction all outweigh affirmation. But what keeps a child from receiving and thriving under the instruction of a parent? A lack of praise and affirmation is almost always a major factor.

It’s easy to see affirmation go to seed and become idolatry and flattery (“Yes we can!”), but our failure in the opposite direction is too common and far less obvious to us. When many think of “affirmation”, a soft and psychologized sloganeering comes to mind. Biblical affirmation doesn’t gloss over sins and problems, but rather prepares us to deal with these issues effectively. Crabtree notes that at the beginning of relationships praise and hope flow easily, but affirmation evaporates over time while criticisms pile up (p. 45). In the worst relationships, a person is often so blinded he can’t give thanks to or praise a person for anything. Gratitude and eyes to discern God’s grace give way to a critical spirit. The apostle Paul confronts the nasty sins of the Corinthians—rivalry, incest, drunkenness, temple prostitution—but still begins his letter praising and giving thanks for them: “I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and knowledge—even as testimony about Christ was confirmed among you” (1 Cor. 1:4-6). Affirmation doesn’t ultimately replace correction, but it outnumbers and outweighs it, providing a context of love and security in which correction can effectively take place.

Everyone ought to think about the scale of their comments: positive versus negative, affirming versus correcting. We don’t realize how quickly commands and questions, especially to children, pile up: “Did you do your homework/make your bed/brush your teeth/pick it up/go here/see him/do this that I asked you to?” Of course tone of voice can transform a loving question into a harping accusation. C. J. Mahaney has a three-for-one rule among his staff—three identifications of grace for every corrective observation—and  recommends five or ten-to-one ratios for the spouse, parent, pastor, or church member (p. 47). The person who objects to this sort of pattern is like the clueless husband who thinks he doesn’t need to tell his wife he loves her because already told her just last month. The point is not information, but edification. A wife who is secure in her husband’s affections is the radiant crown she was meant to be (Prov. 12:4).

Affirmation and correction can be compared to transactions from a bank account, the former being deposits and the latter withdrawals. When your checks bounce, you know what needs to happen—put more money in, a lot more. “It will take additional deposits to restore your credit. And if the pattern of writing bad checks continues, you’ll not only face overdrafts and fees and penalties and bounced checks that don’t buy anything, but your account may be frozen until you get serious about putting things in the black” (p. 52). Many parents simply have no “money in the bank” because they have been lazy and distracted from depositing in their children. People are influenced by those who praise them, which is far different from those who flatter them. So what makes for good affirmation? Crabtree gives four characteristics:

  1. Detached from Correction You can predict when some people are going to criticize simply by the fact that a compliment has come out of their mouth. The only time they praise is before they correct. Effectively this means the purpose of the affirmation is to helpfully land the criticism. Of course the Trinity is not like this! “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased. Now would you please stop….”  It might be that correction ought to usually be accompanied by affirmation, but not vice versa. Numerous times I have known parents who have been habitually critical of their kids (and frustrated with lack of results) stop correcting and start praising—without qualification—and have seen astonishing results. It would be untrue to say “it doesn’t happen overnight” because it actually regularly does. Everything doesn’t change overnight, but it is astonishing the way people will listen and new conversations occur when this is practiced. We live in a complaining culture. Even “No Whining” bumper stickers count for whining. The next time you get good service at a restaurant or retailer, get the name of the person who helped you and call to tell their manager. See if you don’t surprise them!
  2. Steady “A steady diet of affirmations in a relationship is like watering and hoeing in a garden—it’s refreshing and keeps the weeds down. Just doing nothing won’t keep the weeds down” (p. 66). The garden analogy is helpful because it speaks both to the needs of the plants and consequences of doing nothing. How do you know when you’ve done enough? Ask yourself if your parents, whom you likely know love you, could have helpfully affirmed you more. The vast majority of people think say they could have. It doesn’t need to be corny or forced, but needs to be consistent.
  3. Honest It turns out half of all people are below average. Affirmation should never be false or flattering, and if it is it will only snare the person rather than help him. Thankfully it isn’t difficult to give honest affirmation if we have biblical standards, which leads us into our next criterion, the source of our praise.
  4. God-Centered Praising someone is acknowledging something that ultimately traces back to the goodness and kindness of God: “Who has first given to Him and it shall be repaid?” This is important because it grounds affirmation on the work of God, and this is a well that never goes dry. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22), and because God is at work in the world, there are a lot of orchards. Can you see any goodness or kindness? Acknowledge and be grateful for it. It shouldn’t take much. God-centered affirmation might include explicit reference to God and it might not, and it might be toward an unbeliever who is enjoying and exhibiting God’s common grace.

Authentic affirmation is honest, true and realistic, and thus will be verified by experience. It allows us to be pleased but not satisfied with someone we love, for we are all growing into the image of the perfect man, Jesus, and should revel in this journey. Putting this book into practice is like using a hammer to hit nails with heads the size of silver dollars; it’s hard to miss. Crabtree’s concluding chapter is titled 100 Affirmation Ideas for Those Who Feel Stuck. This is essentially a list of things and ways of gratitude. He leaves us fussers with nothing to do but see the work of God in people and tell them as much.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *